I don’t know when I disappeared exactly. Was it all at once or a slow, gradual fading away? Did it begin with motherhood or with the exit of estrogen from my body?
Once I could feel the appreciative eyes on me as I walked across the room. Once men, attractive and not, singled me out from a crowd. Now I have to fight to get the attention of the produce guy in the grocery store.
I am middle-aged and I am invisible.
Neither here nor there. Too old for the wolf whistles that used to make my skin crawl but now can make my week. Too young to be the sassy, redheaded version of Betty White. I am mother, I am wife. But am I woman still?
On one thing I could always rely, even when I questioned my intelligence, my talent, my worldliness and my compassion: male attention. A smile, a tilt of the head and doors opened. Not always, but enough that I notice they don’t really anymore.
My mirror tells me lies, alleging that I look better than I do one day and worse than I do another. Fading in and out of the person I thought I’d become.
I am respected for my mind. My intelligence. My talent. My 25-year old self rejoices, at last vindicated. My 45-year-old self envies the easy beauty and sexuality of those years, all the while knowing that what remains will ever be with me.
But I long to be seen. To be appreciated for the whole package, the me I’ve worked hard to be. Ironic that the skin I’ve finally become comfortable in isn’t as luminous as the one I wore when my self-esteem was tenuous and gossamer, a thin thread, delicate and easily broken. I always thought the light of self-acceptance would shine brighter.
Maybe you just have to look harder.
I am invisible.
Perhaps this is a temporary condition, a necessary wiping away, a clearing of the slate for who will come next. When I return, if I return, will I be surer and stronger and more beautiful than I have ever been?
I am invisible, but I am still here.
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You are NOT invisible. I think our image changes as we do…. right now I’m dealing with being 40 & the stigma that that number holds, not for me, but for those around me.
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Megan Reply:
January 17th, 2013 at 10:37 am
@Blondefabulous, Forty was easy for me, it’s only been in the last couple of years that things have changed.
And thanks.
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I can’t really relate to this because I’ve never garnered a lot of male attention. This actually makes me grateful for that, since I realize now I won’t miss it.
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Megan Reply:
January 17th, 2013 at 10:39 am
@Miss Britt, It’s one of those come-around things. All that stuff that made you feel less-than back then turns out to be a blessing for the major part of your life.
For the record, all the attention was at a distance. You absolutely dated more in high school than I did.
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I too have been going through so much of this the past year. It’s been so hard to reconcile the slide into mid 40s. I feel like I have to work so much harder to barely maintain. And, I too finally feel a bit more comfortable in my skin. At least, we have wisdom with age.
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Megan Reply:
January 17th, 2013 at 11:09 am
@Jen, And I suppose that wisdom will eventually help us look at all of this a different way. It better…
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I love the forties. What we traded is well worth what we find waiting for us.
And you are beautiful… you’re just in Florida, lol. If you were someplace hoppin’ and vibrant, you’d be seein’ more attention. ~S
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Megan Reply:
January 17th, 2013 at 11:11 am
@Shephard, Most days I know for sure that you are absolutely right. What we get is much more delicious.
We’ll see how smart you are after we move. And you are pretty wise, so I’m looking forward to it!
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I have thought about this a lot lately. As more and more greys appear, still mostly hidden, but noticeable to me in the close up bathroom mirror. I have always tied some of my self esteem into the attention I got from women, I wonder if I will feel invisible when that fades.
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Megan Reply:
January 17th, 2013 at 11:47 am
@Corey Feldman, I wonder if it isn’t different for men. I still think Richard Gere is dead sexy, and he’s 63 or so. And lots of women love Sean Connery and he’s even older than that.
I hope you never feel invisible.
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As I lose weight I am struggling with the opposite. Fat gives you an invisibility shield that I don’t have now. I am more conscious of how I look than I ever have been and it’s hard to get used to. And I’m not gonna lie – it infuriates me a little that people take me more seriously than when I was fat.
I do agree with the previous commenter who said you will probably find a different reaction when you move. South Florida is a lot like LA in that way, with unrealistic expectations of beauty. You are still a stunningly gorgeous and vibrant woman
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Megan Reply:
January 17th, 2013 at 12:38 pm
@Lisa, First, thank you.
I understand what you are saying about being taken more seriously. For a while after college I used to get highlights in my hair more often than I do now, so I was essentially blonde. When I got rid of them, I noticed a big change in the way I was treated – especially at work. I finally was given a chance to do copywriting instead of just being a creative assistant and got more respect. It’s stupid, but at least you’re on the better end of it (if we’re looking at the bright side).
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I have felt this way at times too and I’m gay. Aging is tricky.
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Megan Reply:
January 18th, 2013 at 10:59 am
@Vikki, For women especially, although I suspect for men too, they just don’t talk about things.
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I was just thinking the other day as I walked my dog – what is my identity? I am a great daughter, aunt, sister, friend (and I know that is a lot), and I am well respected at my job, and I volunteer for a dog rescue, but when I look at my life it is not what I expected it to be – the divorced, now single, looking more like my mom every day.
None of it bad but how do I reconcile what I see as my life and what is my life. Not complaining – just wondering. And for Shepherd who said living in a more “hopping and vibrant?” well I live in Boston and feel the same way!
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Megan Reply:
January 18th, 2013 at 11:01 am
@Michelle, I think that, at certain stages in our lives, we have to change our perspective about what we want our lives to be and work toward that.
I suspect that much of what we feel is internal and has nothing to do with anyone else.
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I love you, my friend. Today when I was having a really tough time you were who I thought of first, other than my boyfriend. I didn’t think of my BFF or my mom, I thought of you.
And I think of you often, even when I don’t need a shoulder.
But I get this. I really, really get this.
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Megan Reply:
January 18th, 2013 at 11:03 am
@Poppy, Oh, honey, I love you too. You made me cry with this. I think of you a lot too – every time someone says New York!
I think everyone has felt invisible now and then. Good to know that none of us is alone. Or really invisible. xo
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It actually ISN’T different for men.. GAY men have the same issues and realizations, and often don’t find the maturity as quickly as women do.
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Megan Reply:
January 20th, 2013 at 6:22 pm
@Shephard, I don’t really see that as much with straight men, although they’d really be loathe to talk about it. But it would certainly explain expensive sports cars and 20-year-old Playboy bunnies.
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Of course I meant “emotionally” mature, not physically.
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Megan Reply:
January 20th, 2013 at 6:22 pm
@Shephard, Of course.
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I was feeling this the other day. My younger self was screaming from inside my head, “I WANT TO BE YOUNG AND SEXY AGAIN!” I think it meant my body because I still think I’m young in my head.
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Megan Reply:
January 20th, 2013 at 6:22 pm
@Shelli, I guess we just need to change our minds. What we are now, is sexy. Or it should be. It’s up to us. I hope
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