Change is not an uncommon goal for a new year, but I do not expect to wake up transformed as the date on the calendar changes. Evolution is transformation, the gradual shift from one thing into another. And so it will be for me this year. There is the obvious: If things fall into place, by the end of this year I will no longer be a cop’s wife. I will once again be self-employed, hopefully as a writer of fiction and the occasional article for hire. And I will be spending my New Year’s Eve in a sweater and a cute pair of boots instead of short sleeves.
But there are other things that are more subtle.
I want to let go. I want to let go of some of the things that are tying me in knots. I want, after so many years, to relinquish the very last thoughts I have of control over something beyond myself. I have made myself responsible for my son’s progress, both in school and in his physical condition. It is a source of constant, unrelenting stress for me. It needs to stop. I need to hand the reins over to him, to let go of his hand and simply walk beside him. To know with certainty that he will be all right. Of all the things that I have let go of in my life, this one is the most difficult. It will take the most work.
I want to allow. Allow time and room in each day for myself, to create and to just be. This is an essential part of the process.
I want to contract, to live smaller in the physical so I can live bigger in the intellectual and spiritual. I want to get rid of the excess that weighs me down mentally and financially. I want to be lighter.
While I embrace the person I am – she is the product of a lot of work and reflection – I look forward to the person I will become, even if she doesn’t quite look how I imagine she will.