My wise young friend Britt chose a word, a theme if you will, for her 2013. I liked it, so I’m appropriating the idea. Her word is home. Mine is evolution.
Change is not an uncommon goal for a new year, but I do not expect to wake up transformed as the date on the calendar changes. Evolution is transformation, the gradual shift from one thing into another. And so it will be for me this year. There is the obvious: If things fall into place, by the end of this year I will no longer be a cop’s wife. I will once again be self-employed, hopefully as a writer of fiction and the occasional article for hire. And I will be spending my New Year’s Eve in a sweater and a cute pair of boots instead of short sleeves.
But there are other things that are more subtle.
I want to let go. I want to let go of some of the things that are tying me in knots. I want, after so many years, to relinquish the very last thoughts I have of control over something beyond myself. I have made myself responsible for my son’s progress, both in school and in his physical condition. It is a source of constant, unrelenting stress for me. It needs to stop. I need to hand the reins over to him, to let go of his hand and simply walk beside him. To know with certainty that he will be all right. Of all the things that I have let go of in my life, this one is the most difficult. It will take the most work.
I want to allow. Allow time and room in each day for myself, to create and to just be. This is an essential part of the process.
I want to contract, to live smaller in the physical so I can live bigger in the intellectual and spiritual. I want to get rid of the excess that weighs me down mentally and financially. I want to be lighter.
While I embrace the person I am – she is the product of a lot of work and reflection – I look forward to the person I will become, even if she doesn’t quite look how I imagine she will.
Your write so well! I love this post – the part about letting go of control and contracting the materialistic to make room for the stronger stuff resonates so clearly with me. Thank you for sharing. Have a wonderful 2013! I hope you don’t mind I quoted you on my blog, if you don’t want me to please just let me know and I will take it down.
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Megan Reply:
January 1st, 2013 at 10:26 am
@Michelle, You have a wonderful year too! May we both get what we are looking for.
And I’m flattered that you’d want to quote mw; thank you.
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Lovely post. Are you currently working on a fiction project, if so do you want to be part of a blog hop?
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Megan Reply:
January 2nd, 2013 at 5:01 pm
I am, in fact. I would love to know more about it because I don’t think I know what that is!
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I’m trying to do that same letting go right now, and I hate it. I didn’t think I would. I thought I knew all about how parents had to let go and how we don’t “make” our kids – but now that I’m seeing it in real life and the results aren’t what I thought they’d be, I’m realizing that I am not enjoying this process at all.
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Megan Reply:
January 3rd, 2013 at 5:54 pm
@Miss Britt, It genuinely sucks. It’s so hard to reconcile what you thought would be with what actually is. I’m not enjoying it either, but in order to save my sanity, I will do it. Ugh.
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Let me tell you something about letting go of needing to be in control. It’s so damn liberating. It seems counter-intuitive, but it isn’t. What you need to do in order to be successful at it is a lot of deep breathing. It sounds so simple, but it helps to push the desire of wanting to control the situation (whatever it may be) out of your brain and your heart. Listen, I have the last of my children who is ready to fly. He is going to be 18 in one month. It terrifies me because he is so far from ready for it, but I can’t do anything about it and so I have to give up the control I have felt I needed to have over the situation. I do a lot of deep breathing. I do a lot of deliberately getting it out of my head. Changing my thoughts. It’s hard. But, Megan, I’ve known you for a long time. You are one of the strongest, smartest people I know and I know you can do this, too. If it’s what’s best for you, your son and your husband, you must. I love you and I’m here if you need me. Just as I know you’re there for me too.
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Megan Reply:
January 7th, 2013 at 10:35 am
@Shelli, I love you too – thank you so much for this. I really needed it! xo
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We both needed each other today! XOXO
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Its simple, You answer the 10 questions about your work in progress, link back to me, and tag 5 other writers with blogs to do the same.
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Megan Reply:
January 8th, 2013 at 2:11 pm
@Corey Feldman, Thanks… I’ll look into it!
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I should have my 10 questions done this week, but if you want to look at the questions go here. http://patriciasands.wordpress.com/2012/12/19/the-next-big-thing-blog-hop/
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